Eccentric One

Decisions… Decisions… —

(A couple of days ago…)
I was making a small pile of categories for my blog & well…

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I got as far as this, realized something, and felt the need to say something on it.

Lately, I have really begun to regret moving to Chicago. Yet, a part of me still wants to be somewhere here. Keyword in that is probably “somewhere”. The latest addition to my categories above was “the roof over my head”. Since I like showing off my place & I figured I would dedicate a category to it.

Well, when thinking about how to describe the place I will be staying, I couldn’t think of anything more than “the roof over my head”… considering, I often wonder what will be the roof over my head.

Yet, a part of me still wants to be somewhere around Chicago.

The biggest part of this whole scenario, of “where to go” in my mind, really has a hard time wrapping around “what to do next?”. It’s been hardest to me, because I honestly have no idea where I want to be. It’s slapping me in the face in so many ways, it is kind of sad… that I should stay in Chicago, this is where I want to be.
But on the surface, and how I feel about that, is completely opposite.

This is where the conflict is most difficult.

And I don’t even know if this blog will make it public or not.

(Today)

It will… after I come back and write some more a couple days later. Nice to be able to do work via mobile app.

The decision is that I am moving back to Cedar Rapids. How this will work… I honestly have no clue, it may not.

Lately my rational mind has been set on waiting for my ‘zero options’ to become ‘an option’. I think this is the most viable option. This has been emotionally tugged around by my heart in a million directions because honestly- my heart is completely torn up between leaving or not. My heart really loves this city but really loves my friends in Cedar Rapids too.

The wisest thing I can see for my well being is to remove myself from Chicago & the situations here, furthermore to move back to a familar & less hostile feeling environment in Cedar Rapids.

Everyone has been so much influence & pressure on this subject… but I want it dropped.


Meanwhile, it has been extremely frustrating having a reaction from everyone that seems to think it is as if this I will just crash & burn. Never go anywhere.

So, please for my sake, drop the topic… because all I feel (despite being so numb & in shock) is that I am cornered & my life is beyond my control. But it is not out of my control, and I need to prove this to myself. One of the reasons I want to move is to feel more independent. Another major reason is I really need my friends back. Desperately. In ways no one can even put into words.

Still, the thought looms that I will just fail.
This, to me, is primarly from my family. They want to be so encouraging but thier doubt is the MOST discouraging thing.

I really to prove you all wrong, make something of myself… and I wish you could be encouraging with faith in me.

“… its all alright, I got nothing left inside of my chest, but its all alright…”

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I Dream & Stir… —

… at thoughts of you & him. “Just worry about myself”, I think repeatedly.
But the ‘catch’ is they were both very important, when it comes to my priorites.
So, how do I stop a rapid emotional dive when things that were once important to me are draining the most out of me?
And where do I start over amidst this chaos that I feel like I have no hand in? Why did I have to lay myself out for her just to walk over me & away? Or was it really meant to be & I messed up?
Would it really be foolish of me to trust a psych major could stick with me in a relationship throughout my treatment- no matter what it took? Was I blinded by the beauty or was I fooled by the tongue?
Worse off, how could have I ever seen the smack in the face from him? When he once gave me motive to live… to betray such trust… and he thinks it is sad I want to take my life, but how many more times have you tried taking yours? To think you would know my response to your actions… seems it has happened to you before with the D-BAG who we both would still kick his ass for it. (left unnamed for that s.o.a.b. sake) or are you two all “buddy buddy” now?

I hope you both read this. I hope you both cry. I hope you wonder why I dont just die. Because in the end I hope this is going to hurt you worse.

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