This will come back around in a bit, hang on tight.

I live at an apartment complex, that I do work for to earn rent. My primary job is cleaning up trash around the grounds. They have me start by walking around the “Golden Walk” which is the path they take when showing tours of the model apartments. From there, I keep spiraling outward around it. Then through buildings. Today I had to do this for an hour. I was late.

I have been very tired lately, and it seems I really need to catch up with my sleep. On the other hand, I appear to get more sleep at nights than most of my college peers. So, what is going on? While I was picking up the trash I purposed the theory that I am lacking motivation. This was nothing new to me, and some people have mentioned that I have a bit of a motivation problem.

I am still searching for a motivation, but it’s been in front of me this whole time.

The mirror in front of me shows what I should be motivated by.

It seems however, that my self-motivation is a bit misplaced.

Unfortunately, I am not sure of how to bring this self-motivation to a balance.

And it occurred to me recently that I am working towards that. I am so worn down because I have been busting my ass with self-motivation to achieve a proper drive. Still, something in there has gone awry because I am losing grip.

Carrying the trash around in a large bag, I was sadly dragging it for a while then causing a few holes. I really had a hard time holding the bag up, because I was losing grip. I even had gloves. I have my advantages in the rest of my life as well, but am still losing grip.

I do not know if I am spiraling upward or downward…

I aim to make this blog an all ages blog, but that is not always possible when sharing about a college experience.
Due to the nature of this topic, I would not recommend it for anyone under the age of 16, without parental consent.

I was at a small college party last night, I thrive on a social life so it was good to get out. It was already a mentally straining day with homework and handling my expenses. The party was good until one of my apartment neighbors showed up. Normally it is not a bad thing to see people you know at a party, it usually makes things friendlier and can give you some reputation. It was when they had attempted to whisper to people a tidbit of information on me- well, I overheard an earth shattering rumor.

This rumor was fairly simple in nature, “He has herpes.” Sadly, the impact of those three little words were far deeper than they understood. I do not want to rant but I am appalled by seeing high school behaviors on a college campus, though they are usually more trivial than the detestable rumor bug. The reason I mention this is because I believe the purpose of college is to find more truth in one’s life, not hearsay. As most know, that rumors and lies often stem from an element of truth. In this case, I regrettably am aware of the truth behind this.

In early December 2010 I was diagnosed with an HPV, genital warts. The resonated effects from finding this out have been quite detrimental to my well-being, but it has not stopped me nor putting myself out there. Though, I have had my share of very depressive moments as a result of sharing my secret. This is one of those facts about me that I do not enjoy sharing, but find times to do so. Since moving to college, I have divulged it with a dozen people in all sorts of situations that I found reasonable.

When I heard that rumor last night, it helped me understand a lot about the way people have acted towards me. Unfortunately, most do not know that they are striking the chord of a social anxiety. In recent, they apparently found how to strike an emotional level with a physical problem. Almost needless to explain, my mental condition takes its toll as well.