Below The Surface

Spiralling the Golden Walk ~d8205

Posted by Jay F
Friday, October 28, 2011 @1900

This will come back around in a bit, hang on tight.

I live at an apartment complex, that I do work for to earn rent. My primary job is cleaning up trash around the grounds. They have me start by walking around the “Golden Walk” which is the path they take when showing tours of the model apartments. From there, I keep spiraling outward around it. Then through buildings. Today I had to do this for an hour. I was late.

I have been very tired lately, and it seems I really need to catch up with my sleep. On the other hand, I appear to get more sleep at nights than most of my college peers. So, what is going on? While I was picking up the trash I purposed the theory that I am lacking motivation. This was nothing new to me, and some people have mentioned that I have a bit of a motivation problem.

I am still searching for a motivation, but it’s been in front of me this whole time.

The mirror in front of me shows what I should be motivated by.

It seems however, that my self-motivation is a bit misplaced.

Unfortunately, I am not sure of how to bring this self-motivation to a balance.

And it occurred to me recently that I am working towards that. I am so worn down because I have been busting my ass with self-motivation to achieve a proper drive. Still, something in there has gone awry because I am losing grip.

Carrying the trash around in a large bag, I was sadly dragging it for a while then causing a few holes. I really had a hard time holding the bag up, because I was losing grip. I even had gloves. I have my advantages in the rest of my life as well, but am still losing grip.

 

I do not know if I am spiraling upward or downward…

Leave a comment

Happy Meals ~d8185

Posted by Jay F
Saturday, October 8, 2011 @0030

I will start this blog off with some good news!

Monday the 10th of October will be my last day of IOP (Intensive Out-Patient) treatment. On the Tuesday following, I will begin what is called AFTERCARE where I spend an hour (11a-noon) at the treatment center. I must attend FIVE of those to complete my treatment program. This means if I stay on course (attending once a week), I will be out of treatment by November 8th.

Meanwhile, I am happy that I did not bomb the exam as badly as I thought. I passed with a 74% which is well above the class average of 60%. Still, I am failing one of my classes- but with more time available and beginning to get into a more concrete schedule, I should be able to bring that grade up before the semester is over.

This week has been intense and I am relieved that it is finally over. One of the best things that has gotten me out of nasty ruts of stress and depression- has been making awesome meals for myself and friends. It is a good, healthy, and sober social time that I get to spend with people that can be rewarding for me in many ways.

Since my friends apparently really enjoy my culinary skills, we have decided we should make it a regular thing. Getting the ball rolling for a scheduled meal every week or so will take a bit of time but it is something I am really looking forward too.

Along with making super foods, I will continue to experiment with recipes and want to share them with you all! You may have noticed the latest revealed category “Yummy In My Tummy” which will include information about these events and some tips or tricks I have found in the kitchen while cooking!

This concludes this wonderful update, I have some rest to catch up on so I can do course work and study tomorrow.

3 Comments

Dragging Through Another Week ~d8176

Posted by Jay F
Thursday, September 29, 2011 @2130

I have some painful news to share with you all. Unfortunately, my grades are slipping. In the currently unbalanced time schedule I am on- my focus on my education has not been strong enough. I do and will continue to blame this on my mandatory (court ordered) drug treatment.

For those who are not up-to-date on all the happenings in my life, here is a synopsis. On May 11, 2011 I was arrested for possession of a schedule 1 narcotic- marijuana. Throughout the course of the summer, I spent several stressful days in court attempting to resolve the situation. On July 28, 2011 my sentencing was finalized: I was found guilty, but the judgement was deferred. The terms attached to the deferred judgement was one year probation and to go through substance abuse treatment. There were also some hefty fines.

Since the first week of September, and my second week of classes, I have been attending my required treatment. This has taken around TWELVE HOURS of my week (M/W/T 10a-1p + travel). Considering I am a full time student- I have been overwhelmed with so much going on. The stress of moving out on my own to college, having the load of being a full time student, and being forced to go through hours of drug treatment that have done me little good- is reflected in my grades.

Granted I want to bitch about all of this, I really have no grounds to do so. I know that there are people in worse situations than I am & that I can make it through this. There is an upside to all of this, thankfully.

Next Thursday is my last day of intensive outpatient treatment. This means I will no longer have to spend the long hours in a room full of alcoholics and crackheads (cannot forget the counselors either…). Though I will still be in some sort of extended treatment, that plan is yet to be determined (insurance/financial issues). I at least know, it will only be a few (three max) hours a week. I am looking forward to being on a less tightened schedule between classes and my judiciary obligations.

Second upside is that it is still early in the semester. From everything that I have heard of teacher and students alike, that even at mid-term grades if you are failing a class – you can bring yourself up to an A. Since I know that I am not even to mid-terms, and my grades are not rotten. My lowest is a 61%, second is a 72%, and since I just bombed a test – I am not sure what that class grade is. My successful class is my International Relations class, which I guess I am getting an A++ (extra credit ALREADY) in.

In light of all this, I may have some lower grades now – but I do not expect that to last.

It just sucks right now, and is not very helpful in the already stressing situation I am in. I really just need to make it through one more week of intensive treatment and things will get better. Meanwhile, my sleep deprivation this week has helped little in coping.

So, on that note – I am going to crawl into my bed now.

4 Comments

The STI Rumor ~d8171

Posted by Jay F
Saturday, September 24, 2011 @1300

I aim to make this blog an all ages blog, but that is not always possible when sharing about a college experience.
Due to the nature of this topic, I would not recommend it for anyone under the age of 16, without parental consent.

I was at a small college party last night, I thrive on a social life so it was good to get out. It was already a mentally straining day with homework and handling my expenses. The party was good until one of my apartment neighbors showed up. Normally it is not a bad thing to see people you know at a party, it usually makes things friendlier and can give you some reputation. It was when they had attempted to whisper to people a tidbit of information on me- well, I overheard an earth shattering rumor.

This rumor was fairly simple in nature, “He has herpes.” Sadly, the impact of those three little words were far deeper than they understood. I do not want to rant but I am appalled by seeing high school behaviors on a college campus, though they are usually more trivial than the detestable rumor bug. The reason I mention this is because I believe the purpose of college is to find more truth in one’s life, not hearsay. As most know, that rumors and lies often stem from an element of truth. In this case, I regrettably am aware of the truth behind this.

In early December 2010 I was diagnosed with an HPV, genital warts. The resonated effects from finding this out have been quite detrimental to my well-being, but it has not stopped me nor putting myself out there. Though, I have had my share of very depressive moments as a result of sharing my secret. This is one of those facts about me that I do not enjoy sharing, but find times to do so. Since moving to college, I have divulged it with a dozen people in all sorts of situations that I found reasonable.

When I heard that rumor last night, it helped me understand a lot about the way people have acted towards me. Unfortunately, most do not know that they are striking the chord of a social anxiety. In recent, they apparently found how to strike an emotional level with a physical problem. Almost needless to explain, my mental condition takes its toll as well.

Leave a comment

Made It To College ~d8170

Jay F at night
Posted by Jay F
Friday, September 23, 2011 @0420

It is late, well more like early, so I will keep this short if possible.

 

I finally made it to college! Of course, this happened in mid-August but I could not get a blog up and running on the first of this month as planned. This is mostly due in part by a really cruddy internet connection and a very crammed schedule. Either way, it has arrived to the internet just as I have worked my way into a college life.

 

Just so you all get an idea of what to expect around here (at the blog), I figured I would fill you in with a quick summary of the categories I plan to write within. We will start with the basics and you can find out the other hidden ones later on in my posts.

 

First on my list is Life on Campus. Just as it sounds, the posts in this category will have to do with the way things go around here and the happenings as they, well happen. I think this will be a fun one and I suspect you will find some adventures in them.

 

Next up to bat, Below The Surface, which will be addressing my more personal topics that I feel like exposing. I do continue my battle with some anxiety and depression. No worries though- I am sure I will also find the occasional rant, secret, dating story, and other emotionally attached moments to write into this category.
In relation to sharing some of my more personal things, I will also share how I am staying healthy while embarking on my college career. This category will be appropriately named Healthy Habits, though none of them are habits (yet). blogging is a healthy habit, right?

 

Last on my list, but most certainly not least, I expect to be presenting to you a look into my higher education. The posts in my Collegiate Work category will include just that, some of my college papers. I will be sure to post my grades and reflect on some classroom insights in this category too.

 

Remember, there are categories that are not listed here – but you will see them pop up in the near future, I am sure. These will probably be very stirring and mixed posts, under the yet to be divulged catgeories.

 

In conclusion, I hope to see you all hang around to follow my life in a modern fashion. No, I am not attempting to be trendy by any means – I just figure it is the intelligent thing to do. My objective is to help my close, distant, and new friends keep track of me while I am scurrying around. Since I have the resources to run a proper blog, I realized it was the best way to make it possible for you all to stalk me.

 

Catch you all after I get some shuteye…

 

Jay F at night

2011-09-12 :: Hanging outside on a full moon...

2 Comments